


Sinatra

by CommanderTeatime



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Dancing, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 15:40:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16537427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommanderTeatime/pseuds/CommanderTeatime
Summary: The world is crumbling around them and all Alec wants is to fix it, but instead, Magnus takes him out to the living room and puts on a Frank Sinatra record. They hold each other, rocking back and forth, and Alec can't help but feel oppressive guilt. Something is wrong, something is so intensely wrong, and he has to wait for it all to break.Inspired by the sneak peek.





	Sinatra

**Author's Note:**

> So, this was supposed to be something....... happier...... and instead.... I only made myself a lot sadder. So, enjoy some more sad on top of the sad that freeform gifted us this fine morning.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Alec asked, slowly moving with Magnus across their living room. He tried to keep the time in his head, the soft, steady flow of the music, a waltz.

_“Two drifters, off to see the world /_ _There’s such a lot of world to see…”_

Magnus was quiet, “Not right now.” He almost whispered, not pulling away to meet Alec’s eyes. Alec could feel that Magnus was tired, still trying to play games instead of being honest.

He had indulged him, played along. Alec had let Magnus drag him all around New York, from one place to the next, looking at the city from every possible angle and going to any sort of tourist attraction possible. He had managed to keep his questions to himself, he had smiled, laughed, and at some point, forgotten that anything was wrong. It was what Magnus had wanted, just some possible return to the norm, when it was all anything but normal.

Alec was exhausted, he wanted nothing more than to just sit Magnus down on the couch, to force answers out of him and go to bed. They had gone through so much, and a decent amount of it still fragmented and lost in Alec’s memories. He could remember Jace staring down at him, pushing the arrow further into his chest with a smile that wasn’t his. He could remember Magnus being there, at some point, taking his hand and talking to him, calming him down. He could remember his mother, and then the next thing he knew, he was at the Institute, Magnus curled up in sleep against his side, his mother reading a book in the chair beside him.

Magnus had played around every question he asked, sometimes not even giving him the chance to respond to whatever non sequitur Magnus had interrupted him with. It was frustrating, incredibly frustrating, but every single time Magnus looked at him, his eyes bright, a smile on his face, it was impossible to remain upset and Alec hated it.

He wanted to stop, to stop their waltz and pull away. Alec wanted to press him, to remind him not to hide, that _“when things get tough, don’t push me away”_. He let Magnus guide him, the movement almost dragging him away from his thoughts and into his anxieties. Why wouldn’t Magnus tell him? It just… it didn’t make sense. None of it made any sense. How could they go through so much and still… still find themselves in the same place?

“Is it something I can fix?” Alec asked, and he felt Magnus tense just a little.

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Is it something--”

“Alec, stop.” Magnus’s hands tightened on his sweater. “Let me have this.”

He forced himself to relax, but his hands wouldn’t stop shaking. Alec bit down on the inside of his cheek and tried to lose himself in the steady rocking of the music. Their waltz had slowly fallen apart into romantic swaying, in time with the tempo, and eventually, in their shared quiet, the song switched to something far more upbeat. Neither one of them moved with it.

“I used to dance to this with Etta.” Magnus murmured, still not moving his head from Alec’s shoulder. “It’s one of the few things she remembered.”

Alec had to focus on the phonograph to hear it, other than just the soft drone of music playing. It was still Sinatra, the record that Magnus had put on when they started. He had restarted it once, but Alec couldn’t remember just how long ago it was.

_“I’ve got you under my skin /_ _I have got you deep in the heart of me…”_

He brought himself back to their conversation, if it was truly considered a conversation.

Did all of this have to do with Etta? Alec frowned a little and let his hands trace up Magnus’s back, then back down, almost trying to soothe him. He wasn’t sure how to ask, how to bring up the topic without pressing the issue. Was it an anniversary? Something worse? How was it connected to what had happened with Lilith? He didn’t want to scare Magnus back into his place of hiding, back into that dark little closed off corner where Alec never found answers.

Magnus had told him about Etta only a handful of times before, and just small little remarks. He could tell that even after so many years she felt like a fresh wound, stinging with time and the absence of memory. Her earrings were in the box, along with one of the very few photos Magnus held on to, one of them together, sitting on the hood of a car, Magnus’s carefully around her, so close and looking to the camera.

Maybe it all had to do with the past, the things Magnus had left behind, things he had run from. Alec knew it hadn’t been easy to return to Asmodeus, that it had torn open old scars. He had woken up a number of times with Magnus missing beside him, sometimes shoving him away and disappearing off to another room to collect himself. Alec knew not to chase after him each time, that Magnus would only feel more guilty knowing he had woken him up with his panicked breathing, soft sobs, and shaking shoulders.

It was chipping away at everything they had, suffocating each of them in different ways.

Alec kept himself from pulling away, he closed his eyes, relaxing back into Magnus and praying that it would all somehow return back to how it had been. He hated knowing that Magnus was in pain, waiting for him to break, for him to be okay with Alec there to pick the pieces up and put him back together.

“Cat and I had a dance routine to this song.” There was a smile in Magnus’s voice. “We used to compete in dance marathons, and it was the only thing she would practice.”

He let himself slip into the music, focusing on whatever Frank Sinatra was singing.

_“I’ve lived a life that’s full /_ _I’ve traveled each and every highway /_ _And more, much more than this /_ _I did it my way..."_

Alec relaxed, and gave into Magnus’s deflections. There was no point in pressuring him, in pushing him to give up information he didn’t want to tell. The last thing he wanted was to start a fight, not when everything felt so vulnerable. He feigned confusion, if he couldn’t figure out the present, he’d let Magnus unravel his past. “Dance marathons?”

“It was a competition in the twenties, during the Depression. People would dance as long as they could, a fifteen minute break every hour, and at the end there was a cash prize. We never won.”

“You never won?”

Magnus chuckled softly, “It was the Great Depression, there were other people who needed the money more.” He turned Alec around in a circle, back into their gentle waltz. “I know you hate dancing, but you’re actually very good at it.”

He hummed softly. “You're lying, but I love you.”

Magnus laughed, “Do you love me enough to dance swing?” He pulled away just enough to look at him, smiling so bright, his eyes so warm and loving.

Alec laughed, “I’ll disappoint you.”

“You could never, Alexander.” He took Alec’s hand in his own, he didn’t look away, but with his free hand he snapped his fingers to change the tune, something much more upbeat, something jazzy...

_“I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried /_ _I’ve had my fill, my share of…”_

The music hadn't changed.

Magnus seemed to freeze, his other hand dropped from Alec’s and his smile disappeared. He looked at his fingers, curled them into a fist, then relaxed, watching at his own movements as though they weren’t his own.

He rubbed his thumb over his fingers, ready to snap again, but stopped. He looked up at Alec, tears trickling from the corners of his eyes, he exhaled softly, shaking.

“I gave it up.”

**Author's Note:**

> There is a part two, just as sad, on my tumblr-- [ right here at umbralogia.tumblr.com ](https://umbralogia.tumblr.com/post/180061247276/read-part-one-on-ao3-ive-had-my-fill-my-share)


End file.
